Flog

Oh Vancouver

2009-04-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

My posts have become a lot more spaced out over the last couple years. That means i'm either too busy to reflect, or i'm too afraid to. It's likely a combination of both.
Im sitting in my favorite Vancouver apartment, its 2 am and i cant sleep. It seems like the whole city is asleep, but i cant get my eyes to shut. I look around with a look of longing when i see my friends, my city, my life. it's as if i've already left. Im going to miss it. So badly, that it already hurts.
I just read a book called Blankets. I think it may be part of the reason i'm awake, and also why i'm feeling a little nostalgic.
I identify so much with this man who struggles to identify with a christian lifestyle and understanding.
I will always believe in God, and I will always hold strong to the teachings of Jesus. But the Dogmas of christianity and the structures of the church create so many barriers between cultures and people. I cant seem to make sense of it.
Im going to miss this city for more than just the people and the beauty that makes Vancouver one for the books. Im going to miss it for what it has done to me. Im a changed man.
I know i will be back one day, but it wont ever be the same Vancouver.
Thanks

Alright

2008-11-14T15:26:00.001-08:00

Tonight I lack the strength to even move
You walked, and watched me die
But I know this is harder for you
For love has let you down
Yeah come on

And the road ahead is lined with broken dreams
So walk, walk on by
And I fail to give you everything you need
For the fear's behind your eyes

And I can feel you
Not alright
I'm not alright

But I can heal you
Not alright
I'm not alright

WOW!

2008-11-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

April 17th eh?...
A lot has happened since then. I've had my heart slightly broken, yet again. I've made a few friends, lost a couple too. Worked a new job, started a new school year. The list goes on, but details are what you want to hear right? And by 'you' i guess i'm talking about me, considering this is a private blog. haha.
Well, i should start by saying this last summer may have been the best. I worked minimally, which was foreign to me considering last summer i worked 4 jobs. The beach was definitely my home away from home, and i drank just enough coronas everyday to keep me wanting more the next night. My friends out here were, and are great. I was just getting to know Doug more, and his friends were equally as fun and enjoyable to be around. As summer began, so did my relationship with Rach. She was a great girl, and i had high hopes. I think my heart was in a place where I wanted it more than it wanted me. So i pursued with my heart on my sleeve, as usual. Ironically though, as much beauty and charisma I saw in her, i never spoke much on the topic. So, it was a matter of time before she ended things based on my, what seemed to be, disinterest. it hurt, bad. And continues to. But i manage, as always, to pretend its not a big deal. And from time to time i still see her.
The school semester is great. Despite being more busy than ever, I continue to love what I study and look forward to graduation this spring.
Started a new band too!!!! Im hesitant to mention the name, but its a solid group of people, and I see good things.
Loving life as always!
-Dill

Three more days!

2008-04-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

3rd year

2008-04-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

As i approach the end of third year Im realizing how much I've learned about myself and my future in Social Work.
The practicum at Brit was definitely a huge learning experience and only further instilled confidence in my passion to work with youth and kids.
But as far as career oportunities are concerned, i feel the need to expand my borders beyond youth work and experience being in more of a multi-disciplinary environment. At the Children's Hospital, i gained so much purpose in myself, and a real definition of my role, through collaberating with other professionals. Something about each individual having thier own definitive role in helping the patient, really empowered me and pushed me to create my own framework of practice. I miss it!
As for the summer, ill just have to make the most of summer school and no traveling.
What a downer!
I miss abby so much!
Of course i miss my friends, and my family, but there is this hurt I get every time I hear her voice in the background when im talking to Mom, or Corey on the phone. And when I see her face in the picture frames on my shelf, i just want so badly to be around when she's if growing up so quickly. AAAHH!
Well, I do have a lot to be thankful for. Im healthy, loving school and my friends.
I have a good job, and money to spend, a great apt., and a gorgeous city all around me!
OUT

2008-04-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

Heard back from Columbia today.
I wasn't expecting such an enthusiastic response. Looks like I may be in NY baby!
But then again, do i want to spend another 2+ years in school after just completing 5?
I guess ill cross that bridge when i come to it. In the mean time, things are looking up

Update

2008-03-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

Lindsay and Corey's visit was such a breath of fresh air.
Something about family brings out the absolute raw 'you' in yourself. Maybe it's because they know me so well that even if I tried acting like someone Im not, they would know it and call me on it. Or maybe it's because I love and respect them so much that I couldn't possibly be anything but myself around them.
The point is, the last couple months have been nothing but partying and ignorance, even though i have made some incredible friends. But now that Ive seen a glimpse of who I truly am, i need a break, just to gather myself .
The last few nights I've stayed in. Not necessarily because I need some reflection time, but mostly because I need to be more productive with my school work. And so I have.
It was great spending time with mark and katie over the weekend. Im beyond excited for the wedding, and so happy to be apart of it. But at the same time, its interesting to see how far apart we are in our lives. I can appreciate and respect their love, but also be aware that I am nowhere near a point where I can see myself committing to someone forever.
Interestingly enough, i rented a DVD series the other night called Civil War. It's a documentary of actual stories told by soldiers during the american civil war. Someone recommended it to me, and to be honest it's a little too patriotic for my taste. But the first season brought me so much emotion. The stories are so vivid and real.
At the end of the first episode a letter is read by one soldier to his lover/wife/girlfriend and it might just be the most beautiful thing i've ever read...

July 14,1861  Camp Clark, Washington DC
Dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. And lest I should not be able to write you again I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more.
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this government, and to pay that debt.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence can break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly with all those chains to the battlefield. The memory of all the blissful moments I have enjoyed with you come crowding over me, and I feel most deeply grateful to God and you, that I have enjoyed them for so long. And how hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes and future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and see our boys grown up to honorable manhood around us.
If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I loved you, nor that when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name...
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless, how foolish I have sometimes been!...
But, 0 Sarah, if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they love, I shall always be with you, in the brightest day and in the darkest night... always, always. And when the soft breeze fans your cheek, it shall be my breath, or the cool air your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again...

That, is love my friend!
And I will wait as long as it takes to experience something so selfless and beautiful.
Anways, back to the H-work
Till next time
-D
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Ship Chandelier

2008-02-05T22:12:00.001-08:00

I want it in my restaurant

2008-02-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

It's over, and it hurts.

Moonlight sonata

2008-01-14T12:22:00.000-08:00

Life has become tolerable. Nothing more, and nothing less.
Its a middling season.
I just need to push through.

Im back!

2008-01-11T02:15:00.000-08:00

I watched The Godfather this morning before class.
I make it sound like something i quickly squeezed in before my morning lecture. But in all honesty, one can only appreciate The Godfather with full attention and care. My class didnt actually start until 2pm, and I had an early run. So what better way to spend my morning than breakfast in bed and a little Don Corleone.
The visit back home for christmas was great. People keep asking me how it was, and I respond "it was great, i saw the family, some friends, my GF. Partied a bit and went boarding". But the best part by far was seeing Jenny. I missed her so much.
You can imagine how I felt coming back. But really, I was more unsettled than anything. About the relationship that is.
Unsure, unclear.
We had a good talk one night. I asked her," do you love me?". She said "I dont know"...So I asked, "Do you feel like i'm someone you could love?". and she said "I dont know"... I dont know?! Are you kidding me?...Why am i waisting my time with an I dont know?
I keep asking myself that. But ultimately i realize that im looking for some reasurance, some security. But i shouldnt need to hear it when I can see it.
I fear im going to get my heart broken, i can see it coming.
till then, heres hoping

2007-12-22T00:07:00.001-08:00

Cow Town

2007-12-21T23:51:00.000-08:00

Ill be home in 12 hours. Wish me luck...

Here I am

2007-12-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

It's the end of semester and I feel.....ambivolent about how im feeling. Im happy to be done yet, unsure about a lot of other things. Nothing too serious though.
Over all, life is good. Im 22 now, and I suppose its a good thing to be growing up, although i do miss 21 already only a week after my b-day. It was a good year and a definite year of personal growth.
Linz sent me a text yesterday after I told her I was finished my last exam, she wrote "What a great feeling! Im proud of you. Your first semester at UBC complete. A lot fo people couldnt have done that." What an awesome Sis.
As much as that last stratement she wrote isnt entirely true, because after all there are thousands of students finishing up the semester with me, in a way it was very encouraging. It made me remember when I flew out to Vancouver over a year ago to visit Sam. While we were here we came to the university campus just to observe it's beauty, and I remember thinking how great it would be to study here, but knew I didnt have the smarts....well, obviously I was wrong.
I managed to work hard over the summer and paid my tuition, my rent, and for a car. When I step back and look at my situation, I have a lot to be happy for and a lot to be proud of. I am a blessed 22 year old.
Paps is coming out next week and I am pumped for it. I feel a sub-counscious obligation to make him fall in love with this city the way I have. I hope to accomplish that.
Practicum is great, the kids love me and that's a great feeling. I can tell they do because im like a friend to them, not a teacher, a counselor or principal. Im an equal, and in a lot of ways that can be a bad thing for me as a professional, but If anything, i think its a good thing and a great place to start with them.
Saturday im running the sea wall around. Ive run half of it before but i think i can do it completely. Normally at the gym I cant run that distance easily, but when im surrounded by such beautifull smells and scenery, i stop thinking about my legs and my breathing and I just embrace the entirety of it all.
Anyway, ive got too much to say and too little time to write it all.
Till next time...
-D

P.S.-Did I mention how unbelievably excited I am to go home and see everyone!! And by everyone I basically mean Corey, aman, mom, Lindz, JENNY!, Bronson, Colin, Hanson,...and of course my favorite girl of them all Abby!

Famous titles

2007-11-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

Its Been a while ol' blogger, you have been missed.
July was my last posting and a lot has happened since then. Therefore I've got a lot to say, But i'll save that for another day.
The summer went well, for the most part.
Despite working 4 jobs...thats right, 4, I did still manage to enjoy my time off.
Jen and I were able to explore the city a bit and make the most of our time together. We went biking, walking, eating out and stayin up late.
I spent more time with Corey and Amanda than most of my friends too, which was really nice.
Now im well into my first semester at UBC, enjoying it mostly,but constantly sceptical about everything, and i mean EVRYTHING. Whether this is the field of work for me, whether I can make it in school, whether Vancouver is a good place to be living, whether my relationship with Jen will maintain through the next couple years apart, whether I am smart..... the list goes on.
Im really trying to gain some confidence, but it's a slow process and I need some help from the big guy upstairs. Ive been surrounded by people who have loved and adorded me for so long that i dont know what it's like to be away from that. It's really made me realise how much I define myself by how others see me. Ive never taken a critical look at myself like I am now.
Im scared.
But excited too.
-D

2007-07-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

2007-06-26T16:59:00.001-07:00

I feel so angry I could fucking scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's as simple as wishing I had someone to hold.
But it can't just be anyone.
People work so hard to learn about each other to the point that they know exactly how they need to be held.
How can you let go of that?

2007-06-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

Lately life has been a series of up's and down's. I cant stay level.
I always seem to be looking forward to a better future when i will eventually have things figured out. But that future inevitably becomes more confusing than I initially was. The older I am, the more perceptive and open minded I like to think I become.
But I also feel like I end up loosing faith in myself and in the world around me. It's a dissapointing feeling, and a depressing thought to say the least.
Most of these 'Flog's' tend to become over emotional and maybe a little over the top. And that may be due to the fact that I am often over emotional, and over the top with the way I think. But I really feel like im at a pivotal point in my life, like im breaking through something, into a better me.
-D

2007-06-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

Spending some time with Behn was much needed, and perhaps a chance for me to hear God speak to me a little bit.
It's really become apparent that my recent faith 'identity crisis' is due to the fact that I dont really know what I believe and why.
I really need to look at some of my core beliefs and understand why I believe them, or if I believe them at all.
Behn has proved once again to challenge me in my faith, but also help me realise in himself what I dont want in myself.
Blind faith is so easy to fall into.
It's time to analyze myself and what motivates me in my 'faith journey'.
One thing is for sure, I cant just live a life based on an intellecual knowledge and theory of God, but i also can't live life based on a spiritual and emotional experience of God. I need the two of them together.

2007-06-17T01:14:00.000-07:00

2007-06-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

Almost 3 am and once again, I can't sleep.
The space in this room has turned on me.

Paradox

2007-06-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

Im really going to miss it.

2007-06-12T22:30:00.001-07:00

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/parisjetaime/trailer/

Looks amazing, and beautiful.

2007-06-10T23:00:00.001-07:00

.

2007-06-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

Bought a couple of new books today from Fair's Fair, after eating lunch at my favorite fish n chips joint. It was a much needed day off and a good time to think.
Im stoked for the new reads. Im really excited about reading more autobiographies after finishing that autobiography of Sinatra, sp i bought the autobiography of Anthony Kiedis. Should be good, ive heard a lot about it.
I was also in the mood for a good romance, which seems to be a summertime trend, so I bought The English Patient. Im sure its going to be a tear jerker (understatement) but guaranteed it will hit the spot.
The books should be enough of an excuse to stay home.
West side music was great tonight. The speaker not so much. I think I may finally be able to talk and pray comfortably now in front of the church. Maybe because i mean it now more than i used to.
Not so stoked for the camping trip this weekend, i really just want to stay home.
Im looking forward to wine and cheese w/ Tommy tommorow however.
Loits.
-D

Collide

2007-06-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

A heart breaking makes a sound I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud

So courageous until now. Im fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes, a beautiful collision.
Its happening now.
There seems no end to where You begin and there I am now
You and I collide

Visualize

2007-06-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I read a great story or book, I'm so drawn into the reading just by creating my own perception of the characters and setting?
I just finished reading the autobiography of Frank Sinatra, and some of the stories in the book created such an amazing image in my head that really drew me into the whole emotion of it.
But why cant I do that with the Bible? I often read scripture with a different mind set though. I dont let myself imagine the scenery and history of the the story and its characters. Instead, i read with a blank mind.
Thinking at work today (as i always tend to do) I tried to replay a Bible story to myself in the way that I do with a good book. I was reminded of the story of Jesus, when he approached Peter and some of the desciples fishing, weeks after he was crucified. The scripture, in its own way, describes Peter as feeling somewhat lost and challenged in his faith. But the way i like to understand it, i imagine him feeling absolutely disoriented. Thinking of the last several years of life following Christ and learning about his mission to create a different world. It had all come to an abrupt and painfull ending. He's probably asking a million questions in his head; Was it all true? What do I do now? Where do I go? What's my role? Why arent you here God?!
But in the midst of his work on the fishing boat, as he's tormenting himself with questions, a man calls from the shore.
"Hey!, have you caught anything yet today!". Peter replies "no, nothing" already feeling depressed enough. Then the man yells back "try the other side of the boat!". With some dispute and some hesitance im sure, the desciples try the other side, and sure enough, the nets are almost busting from the weight of the fish.
In an instant, I bet it clicks in Peters head...'Its Jesus!'. Without a second to even think about it, he drops the net and jumps off the boat into the water. I picture him half crying, and half choking on water trying to swim frantickly towards the shore. His best friend and his savior is in sight. He's so out of breath running up the beach soaking wet, but with no hesitation he falls into Jesus' arms.I know Jesus returns the hug with full force. Such a passionate moment!! I can almost see it being like an Italian father and son hugging each other after a long separation. Italian's just know how to show love. They hug and kiss with so much intensity and strength. Jesus must have had the biggest grin on his face.
He showed up just when Peter needed him the most, like a good friend does.
What I love most about this story, is how the Bible says, they all sat around the fire that night. I just picture them all laughing together and eating the fish they caught, just enjoying each others presence. So cool!
Not to mention the absolute assurance of Jesus' being who he said he was.

I Hope I can imagine every story like that, it makes the Bible that much more passionate. But who am I kidding really, I dont have the time or the motivation to read the Bible like that. Maybe one day?
-D

2007-05-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

Time to focus my energy on the people who do love me rather than those who dont. Give me strength.

Just a cool picture i found. The eye of God.

Myself

2007-05-07T00:47:00.000-07:00

Im trying my best to find purpose in myself and in the things i do, but theres nothing.
I believe everything is a choice; how i feel, who I love, what i do, where i go... etc.
But why do I always make such poor choices? even worse, why dont i choose to feel how i want to feel?
Innevitably, I end up feeling suck and hurt or being unhappy with myself.
It's time for a change.
This weekend was such a great oppertunity to laugh and enjoy friends, but by the end, i allowed myself to feel dis-satisfied.
I want to remember this summer as the summer I became something new.
Im tired of waiting for something to happen.

For 750$ /mo, ill be gone by the end of may!
-D

2007-04-01T02:13:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how one night can make someone realize what it is, or who it is they do and dont want.
years of knowing something, can come down to a moments decision.

1 Corinthians 13

2007-02-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

Ive had so many conversations in the last couple weeks about my personal beliefs, and it's so interesting to hear about people's personal experience and ideas about christianity. I find its all negative. It almost makes me want to completely separate myself from the religion itself andf just call myself a follower of Christ.
One particular area however, i have found to be common ground in each conversation, is the believe that love conquers. Which made me think of 1 corinthians. Its such a beautiful verse.

Love

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

Disappointment

2007-02-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

dis ap point ment
noun
The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of ones hopes or excpectations.

Could I have found a better description for my life right now. Or my life to come.
Thank God im too busy to care.

I dont know

2006-12-06T00:54:00.000-08:00

Ive done it. Finished yet another semester if school, and with flying colors. Well, a 3.5 is flying colors to me.
Between that success and my recent birthday (50 minutes ago), i cant help but ponder on the past, and worry about the future.
God really has blessed me. Ive come so far, but at the same time I havent.
As I log onto myspace to look at my page just so i can see '21 yrs old' under my name, I start to get an unsettled feeling. The one that tells me time keeps going and you need to do something worth while before its gone.
21 years...I hope he's proud of me for them.
When i really think about it, i know he's not. But it doesent mean he stoped loving me because of it. Change needs to happen before I can call myself worthy.
As i apply for universities, im thinking the whole time. What do you want out of life?
I dont know.

Not the storm before the calm

2006-11-24T01:27:00.000-08:00

Ive been too busy to blog. Too busy to think or even contemplate and I miss it.
I listen to John and i feel so much. I feel the past and the future. His music has such an effect on me. Not just the lyrics, but the over all emotion. It tells a story every time.
Why cant I write music like that?
Why cant I give it my all?

She does it for me

2006-10-29T23:14:00.001-08:00

comfortable

2006-10-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

Im tired of being comfortable. it's a wierd thing to say. Especially since people live ther lives searching for something that fits them, something that makes them comfortable. That might be the right car, the right fitting church or clothes, or the right friends/girlfriend.
But i think ive been comfortable for so long that i dont know how to challenge myself. And what can you really learn in life without challenges?
I feel like i want something different. Something that scares me but will give me a new perspective on life.
There is so much i love in this life, that i am so thankfull for. But I take it for granted day after day and that never seems to change.
Music, Music, Music. Thats another thing on my mind lately. I crave it, and i need it. This new job is starting to ruin it for me. Im loosing my creative abilities it seems like. Thats my worst nightmare!
Why cant i trust in the gifts God has given me and go with it?
I dont know.
Im too buisy to think about it anyways, and maybe thats a good thing
-D

2006-10-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

I cant breathe. Literally and metaphorically speaking. Ive been severely sick the last few days and it's continuously getting worse. Not only that, but everything and everyone in my life is suffocating me. I cant wait to start fresh somewhere else.

2006-09-25T04:17:00.000-07:00

Ill miss you babe

John In Van

2006-09-23T17:36:00.000-07:00

I cried, i really did. Nothing compares to the utter euphoria. I am still in disbelief.

Langly

2006-09-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

Here I am. Its been exactly 3 1/2 hours since i stepped off the plane and im already loving it here. Mainly because Sam and I have the house to ourselves and he has been more than hospitable. We had a great talk over a couple cigars and some heineken's. Now the OC brings us back to good times in california.
So happy to be here. I feel the city calling me.
-D

SOPHIA

2006-09-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

I decided it was about time that I actually write about the lyrics for the new album. Some of the lyrics I thought out ahead of time, some were written while jamming, some were co-written by Dan and I and some were spontaneous. I love having no specific way to write lyrics, no limits or guidelines. Anything seems to go. And that freedom is what makes our lyrics so unique because our ideas become limitless and borderless.

Sea Of Key:
In Sea of Key I wrote the song to God as a confession and a question ie. ‘ive got several questions, you can answer all of them, I’ve got my misconceptions, they come from unanswered questions’ . The song really defines my relationship with God and it was a therapeutic opportunity to write an honest song about it. The song ends with the line “ill keep you waiting”. It’s really how I feel currently. I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen and so is God.
In this song I also wanted to make reference lyrically to the old album. That is my explanation for the ‘chop chop’ line.

Don’t Poison:
Was written by Dan and I when we were in a more non-serious mood, the song really speaks about the chemistry between the two of us as friends. We spend a lot of time analyzing and criticizing other people and to a certain extent its fun and quite funny. But at the same time we aren’t afraid to look at ourselves and be critical and call each other on stuff. The first two verses are prime examples of that.
The second half of the song was a chance to let our sense of humor shine through the lyrics. Morbid, nonsensical yet ear catching. That’s us, and not just the two of us. That’s our band when we get together for stogies. Just nonsensical humor.

Swimwear:
I worked most of the summer for two different companies. One was a roofing company and the other was a labor job with the city of Calgary. During my time there I fell into the stereotypical idea of a labor working ‘Guy’. By that I mean, I would spend my days talking with the other guys about typical guy talk. Women, fighting, drinking and other demeaning activities. Unfortunately the behavior soon got a hold of me and became a bit of who I was. I decided to write a song about it. So Swimwear is a song about women and fighting.
In one hand, its funny but on the other it’s a little sad in relation to how my summer jobs rubbed off on me. Don’t poison has some of the same reflection.

Tango:
This song was written originally while we were jamming. On the spot singing is a tough thing to do especially when you want your songs to have personal meaning. Before long Dan and me were sitting down building off of the lyrics I had already half-fast written. The original line was ‘It’s the tango de la muerte. And my clothes are getting dirty’. Clearly this set the stage for a funny song about dancing with dead people. It got a little out of hand but I had fun with it.

Kitchen Sink:
Was written in the studio. The lyrics are, for the most part quite self-explanatory. I wanted this to be a song that the whole band could relate to in one-way or another. We are all at a pivotal point in our lives where we are making serious decisions for ourselves and trying to figure out what it is we want and who we are.

For the record, each song title is in the making. That being said here are our thoughts.

SEA OF KEY

I’VE GOT SEVERAL QUESTIONS
YOU CAN ANSWER ALL OF THEM
AND I’VE GOT MY MISCONCEPTIONS
THEY COME FROM UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

I FEEL CHANGES
BREAK THESE CHAINS PLEASE, BRAK THESE CHAINS PLEASE

CHOP CHOP ON THE MIRROR
I GOT CAUGHT IN YOUR MIRROR
IM LOST IN YOUR MORROR AND YOU’VE GONE AWAY AGAIN

OH NO, I’VE GOT CARRIED AWAY
OH NO, I’VE BEEN CARRIED AWAY
CARRIED AWAY

ILL KEEP YOU WAITING

DONT POISON

DON’T YOU GET THE FEELING THAT WE’RE GOING EXTINCT AND EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE IS A BREATH YOU WANT TO THINK TWICE ABOUT? I SEE A CHOCH FUCK WITH HIS FRIENDS IN THE CORNER AND IM WILLING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES…

BUT I CANT BRING A WRENCH DOWN LIKE WHATS GOING ON IN MY HEAD
IF I DID THE COP’S COULD FIND ME AND KNOW THEY ARE DEAD

DON’T YOU GET THE FEELING WHEN YOU LOOK PAST YOUR DRINK AND IN THE CORNER SITS THE SAME FRIENDS, SAME DRINK, SAME I. HAVE BECOME THE CHOCH FUCK WITH HIS FRIENDS IN THE CORNER AND I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES….

SO I STOPED FOR A MINUITE TO EXAMINE MY HEAD
JUST TO WONDER IF I REALLY MEANT EVERYTHING I SAID

CATMANDU METROPOLITAN CITY NEW YEAR!
GUYS LIKE YOU MAKE IT HARD NOT TO PITY, YOU HEAR?

CAT MANDU METROPOLITAN CREW
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT WE’VE GOT SOMETHING TO PROVE

GUYS LIKE YOU MAKE IT HARD NOT TO PITY
WHEN THE LIGHTS COME ON YOU WONT BE LOOKING SO PRETTY.

SWIMWEAR

IM IN THE RING AND YOU’RE THE LAST ONE OUT IM THERE IN THE MIDDLE
WE MAKE A RING IM THE LAST ONE OUT AND YOURE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

SHE’S GONE, IM YOURS, WE WIPE THE FLOORS WITH YOUR UNDERPANTS.
I’LL COUNT THE SCORE AND KEEP TRACK OF YOUR SORES
WATCH OUT FOR MY LEFT HOOK!

KEEP ROLLING WITH MY PUNCHES
KEEP ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES
I KNOW YOUR MOM STILL MAKES YOUR LUNCHES

IM IN THE RING AND YOU’RE TH LAST ONE OUT IM THERE IN THE MIDDLE
WE MAKE A RING IM THE LAST ONE OUT AND YOURE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

IM ON THE UNDERTOE
DON’T FIND ME BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW

TANGO

IT’S THE TANGO DE LA MUERTE AND MY CLOTHES ARE GETTING DIRTY
WHY WON’T YOU FOLLOW MY LEAD? YOUR LIMBS ARE FALLING DOWN!

IT’S LIKE IM IN THAT THRILLER SONG
YOUR BODY’S LIMP AND MY FIDORA’S ON
IM COLD IM TOLD BUT I DON’T BELIEVE ITS WRONG

PLEASE COULD YOU PICK UP THE PIECES OF THE ROTTEN FLESH FROM YOUR FORE ARM
IM A NECROFELIAC AND I WANT TO BUY YOU DINNER, GET YOU DRUNK AND TAKE YOU HOME

TAKE YOU HOME

IT’S THE TANGO DE LA MUERTE AND MY CLOTHES ARE GETTING DIRTY
WHY WON’T YOU FOLLOW MY LEAD? YOUR LIMBS ARE FALLING DOWN!

YOU’RE NOT BREATHING
AM I DREAMING THIS?

God is good all the time! All the time God is good!

2006-09-19T00:08:00.000-07:00

We used to scream that at camp. But in retrospect it makes me think now, is God always good to me? I guess no matter how shitty life gets, the sacrifice he made still remains. But sometimes i just want to attribute my misfortunes to God. I know its wrong, but if he's in controll then why do terrible things happen? i know, its the question that tribes us all.
I dont even know why im writing all this. Im in a great mood right now. I just finished a big assignment and now i can breathe.
Life is so buisy, but its filled with stuff I love doing....well, with the exception of roofing.
I love music and it seems to be all i do lately. Social work is great, although when i cant find time to do my assignments it then becomes quite stressfull.
Vancouver this weekend!!!!!!!!! I am soooo excited. Not only to see JM although that is on the top of the list. But im so excited to see Sam and Melissa and the most beautifull of them all. Beloved Van City.
She treats me so well
Anyways, the night is not young.
Till next time
-D

2006-09-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

10 days since my last post

2006-09-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

Wow,
I did not know it had been that long. A lot can happen in 10 days. Ive started school, my new job at west side, and im now dating the most wonderfull girl in the world...again. Its all so exciting and scary all at once. Its sort of like fall, bitter sweet i say. The leaves are changing color and its all so beautifull. I just want to take it all in before its gone and winter shows up like a semi truck in the face! Im trying to love the season, but it only reminds me that winter is coming. This really is the first summer that i havent wanted to end. It was great, the best yet I would say. Now, a new chapter begins. I sit here listening to switchfoot. "this is your life, are you who you want to be?".
I hope so

Shuswap!

2006-09-02T00:19:00.000-07:00

Just returned home from a solid 4 days of partying and good times on a houseboat. Met a lot of new people, shared new experiences had some laughs (so so many actually) and really experienced the beauty of God creation. Words cant describe how fun the last week was. Good to be home though.
Corey moves out tomorrow. It was a little sad to come home and see all his stuff packed up. He's been my best friend all my life. Times are changin. I remember when we used to share a room, no secrets were ever allowed. Im glad that never changed.
Mom ans Dad are up to no good again, and by that I mean they were fighting about the most non sensical things the moment i walked in the door. It has its humorous moments, but for the most part they drive me nuts.
This week was tough for me being around so many people who have partners/soulmates/lovers/girlfriends/significant others. Whatever you might call them, ive gone none of it. And thats ok, its good for me to know where my priorities truly are.
but I do miss holding someone, and the spuratic dinner dates. I also miss burning her my favorite CD's, dancing to coldplay in that dim lit appartment. I try to forget the smells and the noises. But maybe i should be happy i can remember them all.
bitter sweet i tell ya.
Till next time

DONE!

2006-08-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

Today the albo is almost complete. I just finished singing the last tracks needed for vocals and it feels good.
The songs turned out differently than we had planned, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I think we all need some time apart and a serious break from music. I never thought i would say that but this week/2 weeks has been seriously draining musically. I love it though. Stoked to put my name on something im proud of.

Decide, Decide
Who you are
Define, Define
Who you are

Ive got a secret, its something they cant teach
We are not alone

He died, and Survived
For you

We are not alone

Its my favorite song on the album. So simple, yet so important to me. I had to sing about you God. How could i pretend that all of this isnt for you and because of you.
I am so thankfull
-D

Keep Your Chin Up

2006-08-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

The day is almost over and after our 7th day recording i feel drained and un-inspired. The energy we put into music should be inspiring though?
I have some down time right now, so im listening to Thrice and trying to get some words on paper, or flog I should say. Every time i listen to that band i feel soo much energy and inspiration. I just finished reading their CD booklet and it blows me away. I want to be in that place so bad it hurts. Not in a place where i can make money playing music, or in a place where i am famous, but to be in a place where I can write music I truly love, with people i love so much and with so much inspiration. It brings me to tears just thinking about.
I hope this album turns out to be something I can be proud of.
Life just makes more sence when i listen to this album.
I need to write some serious music right now. Ideas are flowing!

CHABBY

2006-08-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

Im at good ol bones's place layin down the new record. I remember it being much more fun than this. The beginning stages are always annoying to get through (although sam loves it). Setting up the drums perfectly, sound checking everything and EQ ing all the instruments. Then finally we start recording the drums, then bass, then lead guitar and by the 6 or 7th day, we lay down rythm guitar and vocals where I finally have something to do. Till then, its 5 or 6 days of them asking my opinion on sounds and me reading GQ in the back room. YAY!
Worship was amazing this morning, i never realised how much Sarah makes everyone sound good. Her voice is the perfect mix of strength and softness. Luv it.
Dad got back today. He seems excited to ell me about the trip. Im glad it was an amazing experince for him.
In other news, i held Abby at unedited tonight and she dident cry. I couldent have been happier. CHABBY!

2006-08-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/charlottesweb/cw_trailer_medium.html

What they fail to mention in the trailer, is the unbarable ending. None the less, im super excited for it for some reason.

2006-08-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

I went to see linds for a few hours in the Hospital again today. Its so hard for me to not ask questions and pick her brain. But i know she gets that enough from everyone else, and i also know im someone she can count on to listen to her talk about anything and everything without being picked apart. I love her. I dont want to loose her. But if i knew she would be happier with the freedom of dying. I would try to learn to live with it. Those words just make me want to cry all over again. Its so hard for me to see her this way. I cant get my mind around how someone can come to a point like this.
I was kicked out after visiting hours and took a stroll outside of the hospital. To my surprise, the sun was setting. The colors of pink on the horizon were enough to make me cry. I walked to the edge of the resevoir and prayed. It was an honest prayer.
I had planned to meet with Dom and sam afterwards for a cup o' tea. But instead i went home and shot some hoop's at the school. Im finding myself enjoying being alone more and more. its great, but i feel like im letting my friends down. ?
Corey was in Banff today with Amanda and chAbby. He proposed!
I was so proud of him and so happy. We talked for a bit tonight and he's so excited to move out and start his life as a husband and father. It fills me with so much joy, but i still hurt. I dont know why, but it wont go away.
I miss him so much. My little brother.
Tomorow i promised lindsay i would bring my guitar in so we could sing together.
-D
I almost forgot! Oma and I are making some serious dutch goodies tomorow. IM STOKED!

Love is breaking me down

2006-08-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

I can have answers up to a certian point, but then I simply have to choose to believe. I mean, is'nt this true with anything. People use faith evey time they sit in a chair or step on the brakes in their car. There is no guarantee that the chair will hold the weight or that the car will stop but we sit and drive all the same. We do this because we have reasons to trust these things, even in the absence of complete knowledge. This is life. At some point i learned i will never have absolute knowledge of anything. I can know many things up to a certian point, but then i need to choose to take that last step. Faith

Best Weekend in a month

2006-08-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

I couldent be happier about how fun this weekend has been so far. I met a really cool new friend on friday. Brianna is her name. We really hit it off. She really had a lot to say about Linds and it put me at ease.
Went to the Rhino on thursday to hear Dom's new tracks. Luv Lovin it.
Friday went to a friends wedding and then dropped almost 700 bucks on clothes and shoes. IM AN IDIOT. But a good lookin idiot no less.
Saturday went to the farmers market with oma and Mom. I loved every minuite of it. Especially the flower stand, the colors and smells are fantastic. It almost makes you smile so big it hurts. Bought a bouquet for linds. Went to see her in the Hopi. I love her so much. It hurts me to see her in thur.
Then went down the river with Mark. HAHAHAHA! SOO FUN
Now im eating din with oma and MOm about to throw an ugly sweater party at Mark's place. Time to browse through dad's ol closet.
WERD
-D

2006-08-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Love

2006-08-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

Corey came into the kitchen today after work asking me what i thought of the reading he was going to recite to Amanda when he proposes. Immidiatey i thought 'dont read something, thats lame. Let it come straight from the heart'. Instead i heard him out.
He passed me the paper and i passed it back. "read it to me", i said.
"Love Is Patient, Love is kind, it does not envey, it is not easily angered it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects always trusts always hopes always perserves. Love never fails".
After reading it he looked up at me and i looked away pretending to make a sandwich or something, when in fact i was only trying to hide my tears. I told him it was the best proposal i could ever imagine for him and Amanda.
What an amazing verse. What an amazing brother.

2006-07-30T01:07:00.000-07:00

I saw sparks

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-30T00:42:00.000-07:00

Im feeling jealous and sick. I need to stop putting myself in places where i feel this way. So much pain right now, but nowhere to express it.

Oma

2006-07-28T19:27:00.001-07:00

Went to the farmers market with oma today. I treated her to some fresh fruit, a shepherds pie and a desert crepe which we both shared. Something about family makes me feel comfortable and completely my self. We had a great chat over coffee afterwards. Its true that you can learn so much from the experience and wisdom of your grandparents. I asked her what she thinks about 'extreme christians'. People who live, breathe and thrive on the idea that God runs their life. I guess a good example would be a close friend of mine choosing to end our friendship based on the fact that i am not as intense about God as she is.
I agree with living for God and making him a life priority, but when it begins to cloud reality in the sence that all of life's decisions are prayed about and sought in scripture, and when God is often the only topic of conversation, then I think it begins to change what God really wants. I firmly believe God wants us to be real to ourselves and to the people around us. He wants us to show his nature through who we are.
I also think people are wired differently with God. Some people seek God in different ways and in different spaces. Its no reason to reject one another based on our differences. On the other hand, I could also be feeling somewhat convicted to be closer with God. Either way, i miss my friend.
Speaking of friends, i phoned another friend to to tell him what a great mentor and pal he is to me. It was and wasnt just a spur of the moment call. My sister came home from work in a bit of a fluster after ending a fight with her roomate. Apparently, her roomate said, word for word "if i dident know you, i would never know you were a christian". Now, for those of you reading this who are strong believers in anything. Its a hit to your entire exsis when someone completely insults and denies your beliefs. I really hurt for her and wanted to hear how she was feeling. Before i knew it I was in Social Work mode, asking the right questions and reasuring her where she needed it. By the end of the conversation i was learning so much about myself and was able to help my sister re-gain some confidence in herself.
Something Lindsay said that really stood out to me was that God intentionally puts people in your life who will challenge you and make you question your faith. In the same respect, He also places people in your life that encourage and inspire you. Colin is one of those people who inspire me. Thats why i phoned him and told him what he meant to me.
Kyle, a friend whom I have worked with all summer, popped into my mind in mid conversation as one of the people who God challenges me with. The more time i spend with him, the more i see the bad side of myself. Crude jokes, gossip, slandering are just a few of things he brings out in me. Im glad to recognise that though, because its going to help me learn to be true to who i am around anyone and everyone.
Werd, i thought i had nothing to write, but apparently i did. Peace out.

P.S.-I bought some new cologne today, it smells fab tabulous. I cant wait to style it.

Tears for queers

2006-07-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today was an angry day for the most part. I felt distracted by my thoughts even when i wasnt thinking about anything at all (that makes sence to me). After a long day of working through typical Calgary wheather and being upset, I was finally able to go home. Home sweet home. Which soon turned out to be only a 5 minuite visit before I met up with PJ to discuss my new job in the fall.
I feel comfortable with Jeremy, but i get the feeling he doesent feel that way around me. He's a fun guy and i would love to work with him, but i dont know if im cut out for the position. I always have these battles with myself where i feel like there is someone more deserving of my oppertunities. I dont know if I lack confidence, or if i really should leave the position for someone better fitted. The chat was a good one in any case. Ive got some thinking to do about this job.
After the get together i looked at my watch and it was only 6:45, i still had time to go see my Mom's soccer game. She was so happy to see me sitting up in the stands. The game was fun to watch and i was overly proud of her. I love her so much, what an amazing woman.
On a symilar note, Dad leaves saturday for Africa. Im jealous but also happy for him. and proud of course. Were going for beers thursday night just to catch up. Im looking forward to it.
Last but not least, i hit the gym after the soccer game. Ran into a cute girl, had a good 3 k run and hit the bench after some serious sit ups. Feeling good and healthy.
Going out on the deck now to read.
-D
Listened to Radiohead non stop today (which is odd because i was angry all day and Radiohead gives me nothing but joy....and maybe a couple tears)

Mannequin

2006-07-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

I was searching through old school stuff tonight, just sorting through what i dont need and what i may want to hold on to. I came across my book of poems from an english 33 creative writing class I took first semester this past year.
To be honest, I was neither impressed or depressed by any of the poems I read through from my final assignment, but i was able to read one that spoke to me in that moment.

I am the antihero, 'prufrock' standing
These glass mirrors separate us from what could be, and what may be
Always one step behind
Always blind leading blind
Though the days are still cluttered
Ill remind him again
This horrible trend means your losing a friend

Its short, but it got out what i needed to get out. I love the subtleness of poetry. You can share as much as you want to your self while. at the same time only allowing the reader to understand a fraction.
I think i may start writing again.

Went to see Scanner Darkly tonight with some friends. It was a good watch, i definitely recommend it.
The weeks are becoming harder to endure. work is monotonous and my head wanders far too much, but at the same time, i worry for what the fall brings. I feel a hermit phase coming on.
-D

2006-07-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

I decided to escape the social pressures of New Hope today, and instead i went to the lantern church. What a pleasant change of scenery it was too. The message was about understanding God's grace. I loved it and i couldent have come away any more satisfied. What i realised through out the service is that ive been putting too much pressure on the people around me. I need to understand the difference between what people are capable of doing throught God and what God is capable of doing. I've expected the people around me to be forgiving of me and to show grace. I assume that they have unconditional patience and love but the fact of the matter is, only God can offer that. It hurts to know that, and to experience the rejection but it is so unbelievably comforting to know that God will never reject me for the mistakes i have made and will make.
What a week it has been.
I have had some good times. -Went to Banff thursday after a good work out
-Friday ,had a long work day on the roof (most of which i was apparently being a "storm cloud") but after went to the Stampeders game (lost 47:20) and then consoled a close friend who just split from a 3 year relationship. A late night to say the least
-Saturday went to Sylvan lake. I was dragged out there but glad i went. Saturday night went to a party and was able to see some old time friends
-Today i may take Abu to Riley park.
-Tomorow is another day
Still lovin the new book.

2006-07-23T01:57:00.000-07:00

2006-07-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

I was planning to blog tonight about my fabulous evening alone in Banff. I wanted to try and explain the emotion I felt playing guitar on tunnel mountian with the sun setting in front of me , and the giddy feeling I always get walking into Welch's candy shop, or the satisfying luxury that is Fondu. But plans change.
I walked into my back door after a soothing drive back listening to Radiohead at 12 midnight to recieve a call on my cell phone (which i left at home during my short trip). It was a friend, with an akward tone in her voice asking proding questions. Questions that challenged my integrity and made me look foolish.
My time in Banff was meant for me and God, and it was. I felt more like i had it all together tonight than i have in a long time. But then this call? why cant i escape this sick feeling in my stomach? When am i finally going to be able to love who i am?
I cried last night like a child. More than i think ive cried in my entire life. For the first time, i understand how people feel when they want nothing else but the silence of death.
Fuck this life. Fuck this sin filled society with all its temptations. I want out so badly it hurts.

2006-07-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

Ive got that all too familiar feeling in my chest. Its the one that fills me with angst and worry. Worry for what though?
Everything. I let my mind wander too often to places it doesent need to be. I allow myself to become trapped in fearfull places where i only come up with the worst possible scenarios. In this state its common for me to do what it takes to get over these feelings whether that be sleep, throwing up, partying so hard i forget what it is i worried about to begin with, or just plain ignorance. However, this time i decided to have a look at the good book. Im comforted by what God says about worrying, and putting trust in God. But what verse i really came away thinking about, was 1 corinthians 10:13. It said "Remember that the temptations in your life are no different from what others experience". I found that comforting.
Thanks G man!

Curl up with a good one

2006-07-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Dont you love finding that perfect book that just hits the spot. One that cant be put down until your eyes fall out (God forbid).
Im reading a fabulous book that just gives me the shivers. I laugh out loud and cry out loud with every new chapter. Its really hit the spot. Summer books are always something to look forward to. Might i suggest this one;

2006-07-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

Manatee, the defenition of obesity. At least for my sister it is. She refered to herself as a manatee the other night and i couldent stop laughing without even knowing what it was. After later research i have discovered how adorable and halarious these (not so) little guys are. A manatee frequenty eats twice its body weight worth of ffood in a single day. their fins are of little use to them because of their size and mass. they simply float in the ocean and eat. They are referd to as sea cows.
fuckin chub chubs.

Migraine

2006-07-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

This 7 day migraine is really getting me down. I feel so unproductive sitting at home watching movies, ordering take out.
I definitely dont miss work, but i do miss being healthy. I guarantee i have a tumor. Im going to name her Uma, the tuma. She tortures me day and night. Im trying to watch spinal tap right now(ironically enough) and she wont let me be.
Wish me luck world. Uma must die.
On another note, my brother and me went shopping the other day for a ring. He apparently plans to ask Amanda to marry him soon. Its wierd to see how excited and happy everyone is for him and his new life, but when i start to think about it the tears start to form. Concequently, i dont think about it at all now. But its hard for me. Im loosing my best friend. Ive already lost my best friend.He's happy though, so shouldent i be as well?
there you have it, just more evedince of how selfish i am. Wow, i really do amaze myself.
I miss Tee. I always miss tee.
Yeah
-D
This little guy has an uma of his own to deal with. AFLAK!

First Blog

2006-07-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

Well,
Its the first day on my blog spot space. Its exciting because i have no preconcieved notions about any of this. How i should write, what i should write, who's going to read it. Im just writing because i dont do it enough (at least when it comes to writing about my thoughts and feelings). In fact, i dont do it at all. I suppose i fit the perfect description of a typical guy. I tend to not speak or show my emotions as much as women do.
Its funny because this came to my attention today, long before i had even considered starting a blog page. I was in a heated discussion with a friend (girl) and i found myself silent from expressing any emotion. I was completely quiet but my mind was racing. It was sooo frustrating to feel so full of ideas and feeling but unable to express them.
I wish i had a vagina and I could have burst out crying. Wierd statement?... thats what i thought too.
Welp. goodnight world. A big day of grass cutting awaits me tomorow.
I think i might call my grandma tomorow. Shes a fine lady.
-Dillon