My posts have become a lot more spaced out over the last couple years. That means i'm either too busy to reflect, or i'm too afraid to. It's likely a combination of both.
Im sitting in my favorite Vancouver apartment, its 2 am and i cant sleep. It seems like the whole city is asleep, but i cant get my eyes to shut. I look around with a look of longing when i see my friends, my city, my life. it's as if i've already left. Im going to miss it. So badly, that it already hurts.
I just read a book called Blankets. I think it may be part of the reason i'm awake, and also why i'm feeling a little nostalgic.
I identify so much with this man who struggles to identify with a christian lifestyle and understanding.
I will always believe in God, and I will always hold strong to the teachings of Jesus. But the Dogmas of christianity and the structures of the church create so many barriers between cultures and people. I cant seem to make sense of it.
Im going to miss this city for more than just the people and the beauty that makes Vancouver one for the books. Im going to miss it for what it has done to me. Im a changed man.
I know i will be back one day, but it wont ever be the same Vancouver.
Thanks
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Friday, November 14, 2008
Alright
Tonight I lack the strength to even move
You walked, and watched me die
But I know this is harder for you
For love has let you down
Yeah come on
And the road ahead is lined with broken dreams
So walk, walk on by
And I fail to give you everything you need
For the fear's behind your eyes
And I can feel you
Not alright
I'm not alright
But I can heal you
Not alright
I'm not alright
You walked, and watched me die
But I know this is harder for you
For love has let you down
Yeah come on
And the road ahead is lined with broken dreams
So walk, walk on by
And I fail to give you everything you need
For the fear's behind your eyes
And I can feel you
Not alright
I'm not alright
But I can heal you
Not alright
I'm not alright
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
WOW!
April 17th eh?...
A lot has happened since then. I've had my heart slightly broken, yet again. I've made a few friends, lost a couple too. Worked a new job, started a new school year. The list goes on, but details are what you want to hear right? And by 'you' i guess i'm talking about me, considering this is a private blog. haha.
Well, i should start by saying this last summer may have been the best. I worked minimally, which was foreign to me considering last summer i worked 4 jobs. The beach was definitely my home away from home, and i drank just enough coronas everyday to keep me wanting more the next night. My friends out here were, and are great. I was just getting to know Doug more, and his friends were equally as fun and enjoyable to be around. As summer began, so did my relationship with Rach. She was a great girl, and i had high hopes. I think my heart was in a place where I wanted it more than it wanted me. So i pursued with my heart on my sleeve, as usual. Ironically though, as much beauty and charisma I saw in her, i never spoke much on the topic. So, it was a matter of time before she ended things based on my, what seemed to be, disinterest. it hurt, bad. And continues to. But i manage, as always, to pretend its not a big deal. And from time to time i still see her.
The school semester is great. Despite being more busy than ever, I continue to love what I study and look forward to graduation this spring.
Started a new band too!!!! Im hesitant to mention the name, but its a solid group of people, and I see good things.
Loving life as always!
-Dill
A lot has happened since then. I've had my heart slightly broken, yet again. I've made a few friends, lost a couple too. Worked a new job, started a new school year. The list goes on, but details are what you want to hear right? And by 'you' i guess i'm talking about me, considering this is a private blog. haha.
Well, i should start by saying this last summer may have been the best. I worked minimally, which was foreign to me considering last summer i worked 4 jobs. The beach was definitely my home away from home, and i drank just enough coronas everyday to keep me wanting more the next night. My friends out here were, and are great. I was just getting to know Doug more, and his friends were equally as fun and enjoyable to be around. As summer began, so did my relationship with Rach. She was a great girl, and i had high hopes. I think my heart was in a place where I wanted it more than it wanted me. So i pursued with my heart on my sleeve, as usual. Ironically though, as much beauty and charisma I saw in her, i never spoke much on the topic. So, it was a matter of time before she ended things based on my, what seemed to be, disinterest. it hurt, bad. And continues to. But i manage, as always, to pretend its not a big deal. And from time to time i still see her.
The school semester is great. Despite being more busy than ever, I continue to love what I study and look forward to graduation this spring.
Started a new band too!!!! Im hesitant to mention the name, but its a solid group of people, and I see good things.
Loving life as always!
-Dill
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
3rd year
As i approach the end of third year Im realizing how much I've learned about myself and my future in Social Work.
The practicum at Brit was definitely a huge learning experience and only further instilled confidence in my passion to work with youth and kids.
But as far as career oportunities are concerned, i feel the need to expand my borders beyond youth work and experience being in more of a multi-disciplinary environment. At the Children's Hospital, i gained so much purpose in myself, and a real definition of my role, through collaberating with other professionals. Something about each individual having thier own definitive role in helping the patient, really empowered me and pushed me to create my own framework of practice. I miss it!
As for the summer, ill just have to make the most of summer school and no traveling.
What a downer!
I miss abby so much!
Of course i miss my friends, and my family, but there is this hurt I get every time I hear her voice in the background when im talking to Mom, or Corey on the phone. And when I see her face in the picture frames on my shelf, i just want so badly to be around when she's if growing up so quickly. AAAHH!
Well, I do have a lot to be thankful for. Im healthy, loving school and my friends.
I have a good job, and money to spend, a great apt., and a gorgeous city all around me!
OUT
The practicum at Brit was definitely a huge learning experience and only further instilled confidence in my passion to work with youth and kids.
But as far as career oportunities are concerned, i feel the need to expand my borders beyond youth work and experience being in more of a multi-disciplinary environment. At the Children's Hospital, i gained so much purpose in myself, and a real definition of my role, through collaberating with other professionals. Something about each individual having thier own definitive role in helping the patient, really empowered me and pushed me to create my own framework of practice. I miss it!
As for the summer, ill just have to make the most of summer school and no traveling.
What a downer!
I miss abby so much!
Of course i miss my friends, and my family, but there is this hurt I get every time I hear her voice in the background when im talking to Mom, or Corey on the phone. And when I see her face in the picture frames on my shelf, i just want so badly to be around when she's if growing up so quickly. AAAHH!
Well, I do have a lot to be thankful for. Im healthy, loving school and my friends.
I have a good job, and money to spend, a great apt., and a gorgeous city all around me!
OUT
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Update
Lindsay and Corey's visit was such a breath of fresh air.
Something about family brings out the absolute raw 'you' in yourself. Maybe it's because they know me so well that even if I tried acting like someone Im not, they would know it and call me on it. Or maybe it's because I love and respect them so much that I couldn't possibly be anything but myself around them.
The point is, the last couple months have been nothing but partying and ignorance, even though i have made some incredible friends. But now that Ive seen a glimpse of who I truly am, i need a break, just to gather myself .
The last few nights I've stayed in. Not necessarily because I need some reflection time, but mostly because I need to be more productive with my school work. And so I have.
It was great spending time with mark and katie over the weekend. Im beyond excited for the wedding, and so happy to be apart of it. But at the same time, its interesting to see how far apart we are in our lives. I can appreciate and respect their love, but also be aware that I am nowhere near a point where I can see myself committing to someone forever.
Interestingly enough, i rented a DVD series the other night called Civil War. It's a documentary of actual stories told by soldiers during the american civil war. Someone recommended it to me, and to be honest it's a little too patriotic for my taste. But the first season brought me so much emotion. The stories are so vivid and real.
At the end of the first episode a letter is read by one soldier to his lover/wife/girlfriend and it might just be the most beautiful thing i've ever read...
July 14,1861 Camp Clark, Washington DC
Dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. And lest I should not be able to write you again I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more.
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this government, and to pay that debt.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence can break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly with all those chains to the battlefield. The memory of all the blissful moments I have enjoyed with you come crowding over me, and I feel most deeply grateful to God and you, that I have enjoyed them for so long. And how hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes and future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and see our boys grown up to honorable manhood around us.
If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I loved you, nor that when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name...
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless, how foolish I have sometimes been!...
But, 0 Sarah, if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they love, I shall always be with you, in the brightest day and in the darkest night... always, always. And when the soft breeze fans your cheek, it shall be my breath, or the cool air your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again...
That, is love my friend!
And I will wait as long as it takes to experience something so selfless and beautiful.
Anways, back to the H-work
Till next time
-D
Something about family brings out the absolute raw 'you' in yourself. Maybe it's because they know me so well that even if I tried acting like someone Im not, they would know it and call me on it. Or maybe it's because I love and respect them so much that I couldn't possibly be anything but myself around them.
The point is, the last couple months have been nothing but partying and ignorance, even though i have made some incredible friends. But now that Ive seen a glimpse of who I truly am, i need a break, just to gather myself .
The last few nights I've stayed in. Not necessarily because I need some reflection time, but mostly because I need to be more productive with my school work. And so I have.
It was great spending time with mark and katie over the weekend. Im beyond excited for the wedding, and so happy to be apart of it. But at the same time, its interesting to see how far apart we are in our lives. I can appreciate and respect their love, but also be aware that I am nowhere near a point where I can see myself committing to someone forever.
Interestingly enough, i rented a DVD series the other night called Civil War. It's a documentary of actual stories told by soldiers during the american civil war. Someone recommended it to me, and to be honest it's a little too patriotic for my taste. But the first season brought me so much emotion. The stories are so vivid and real.
At the end of the first episode a letter is read by one soldier to his lover/wife/girlfriend and it might just be the most beautiful thing i've ever read...
July 14,1861 Camp Clark, Washington DC
Dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. And lest I should not be able to write you again I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more.
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this government, and to pay that debt.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence can break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly with all those chains to the battlefield. The memory of all the blissful moments I have enjoyed with you come crowding over me, and I feel most deeply grateful to God and you, that I have enjoyed them for so long. And how hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes and future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and see our boys grown up to honorable manhood around us.
If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I loved you, nor that when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name...
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless, how foolish I have sometimes been!...
But, 0 Sarah, if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they love, I shall always be with you, in the brightest day and in the darkest night... always, always. And when the soft breeze fans your cheek, it shall be my breath, or the cool air your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again...
That, is love my friend!
And I will wait as long as it takes to experience something so selfless and beautiful.
Anways, back to the H-work
Till next time
-D
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