Cow Town

Ill be home in 12 hours. Wish me luck...

Here I am

It's the end of semester and I feel.....ambivolent about how im feeling. Im happy to be done yet, unsure about a lot of other things. Nothing too serious though.
Over all, life is good. Im 22 now, and I suppose its a good thing to be growing up, although i do miss 21 already only a week after my b-day. It was a good year and a definite year of personal growth.
Linz sent me a text yesterday after I told her I was finished my last exam, she wrote "What a great feeling! Im proud of you. Your first semester at UBC complete. A lot fo people couldnt have done that." What an awesome Sis.
As much as that last stratement she wrote isnt entirely true, because after all there are thousands of students finishing up the semester with me, in a way it was very encouraging. It made me remember when I flew out to Vancouver over a year ago to visit Sam. While we were here we came to the university campus just to observe it's beauty, and I remember thinking how great it would be to study here, but knew I didnt have the smarts....well, obviously I was wrong.
I managed to work hard over the summer and paid my tuition, my rent, and for a car. When I step back and look at my situation, I have a lot to be happy for and a lot to be proud of. I am a blessed 22 year old.
Paps is coming out next week and I am pumped for it. I feel a sub-counscious obligation to make him fall in love with this city the way I have. I hope to accomplish that.
Practicum is great, the kids love me and that's a great feeling. I can tell they do because im like a friend to them, not a teacher, a counselor or principal. Im an equal, and in a lot of ways that can be a bad thing for me as a professional, but If anything, i think its a good thing and a great place to start with them.
Saturday im running the sea wall around. Ive run half of it before but i think i can do it completely. Normally at the gym I cant run that distance easily, but when im surrounded by such beautifull smells and scenery, i stop thinking about my legs and my breathing and I just embrace the entirety of it all.
Anyway, ive got too much to say and too little time to write it all.
Till next time...
-D

P.S.-Did I mention how unbelievably excited I am to go home and see everyone!! And by everyone I basically mean Corey, aman, mom, Lindz, JENNY!, Bronson, Colin, Hanson,...and of course my favorite girl of them all Abby!

Famous titles

Its Been a while ol' blogger, you have been missed.
July was my last posting and a lot has happened since then. Therefore I've got a lot to say, But i'll save that for another day.
The summer went well, for the most part.
Despite working 4 jobs...thats right, 4, I did still manage to enjoy my time off.
Jen and I were able to explore the city a bit and make the most of our time together. We went biking, walking, eating out and stayin up late.
I spent more time with Corey and Amanda than most of my friends too, which was really nice.
Now im well into my first semester at UBC, enjoying it mostly,but constantly sceptical about everything, and i mean EVRYTHING. Whether this is the field of work for me, whether I can make it in school, whether Vancouver is a good place to be living, whether my relationship with Jen will maintain through the next couple years apart, whether I am smart..... the list goes on.
Im really trying to gain some confidence, but it's a slow process and I need some help from the big guy upstairs. Ive been surrounded by people who have loved and adorded me for so long that i dont know what it's like to be away from that. It's really made me realise how much I define myself by how others see me. Ive never taken a critical look at myself like I am now.
Im scared.
But excited too.
-D

I feel so angry I could fucking scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes it's as simple as wishing I had someone to hold.
But it can't just be anyone.
People work so hard to learn about each other to the point that they know exactly how they need to be held.
How can you let go of that?

Lately life has been a series of up's and down's. I cant stay level.
I always seem to be looking forward to a better future when i will eventually have things figured out. But that future inevitably becomes more confusing than I initially was. The older I am, the more perceptive and open minded I like to think I become.
But I also feel like I end up loosing faith in myself and in the world around me. It's a dissapointing feeling, and a depressing thought to say the least.
Most of these 'Flog's' tend to become over emotional and maybe a little over the top. And that may be due to the fact that I am often over emotional, and over the top with the way I think. But I really feel like im at a pivotal point in my life, like im breaking through something, into a better me.
-D

Spending some time with Behn was much needed, and perhaps a chance for me to hear God speak to me a little bit.
It's really become apparent that my recent faith 'identity crisis' is due to the fact that I dont really know what I believe and why.
I really need to look at some of my core beliefs and understand why I believe them, or if I believe them at all.
Behn has proved once again to challenge me in my faith, but also help me realise in himself what I dont want in myself.
Blind faith is so easy to fall into.
It's time to analyze myself and what motivates me in my 'faith journey'.
One thing is for sure, I cant just live a life based on an intellecual knowledge and theory of God, but i also can't live life based on a spiritual and emotional experience of God. I need the two of them together.

Almost 3 am and once again, I can't sleep.
The space in this room has turned on me.

Paradox

Im really going to miss it.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/parisjetaime/trailer/

Looks amazing, and beautiful.

.

Bought a couple of new books today from Fair's Fair, after eating lunch at my favorite fish n chips joint. It was a much needed day off and a good time to think.
Im stoked for the new reads. Im really excited about reading more autobiographies after finishing that autobiography of Sinatra, sp i bought the autobiography of Anthony Kiedis. Should be good, ive heard a lot about it.
I was also in the mood for a good romance, which seems to be a summertime trend, so I bought The English Patient. Im sure its going to be a tear jerker (understatement) but guaranteed it will hit the spot.
The books should be enough of an excuse to stay home.
West side music was great tonight. The speaker not so much. I think I may finally be able to talk and pray comfortably now in front of the church. Maybe because i mean it now more than i used to.
Not so stoked for the camping trip this weekend, i really just want to stay home.
Im looking forward to wine and cheese w/ Tommy tommorow however.
Loits.
-D

Collide

A heart breaking makes a sound I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud


So courageous until now. Im fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes, a beautiful collision.
Its happening now.
There seems no end to where You begin and there I am now
You and I collide

Visualize

Why is it that when I read a great story or book, I'm so drawn into the reading just by creating my own perception of the characters and setting?
I just finished reading the autobiography of Frank Sinatra, and some of the stories in the book created such an amazing image in my head that really drew me into the whole emotion of it.
But why cant I do that with the Bible? I often read scripture with a different mind set though. I dont let myself imagine the scenery and history of the the story and its characters. Instead, i read with a blank mind.
Thinking at work today (as i always tend to do) I tried to replay a Bible story to myself in the way that I do with a good book. I was reminded of the story of Jesus, when he approached Peter and some of the desciples fishing, weeks after he was crucified. The scripture, in its own way, describes Peter as feeling somewhat lost and challenged in his faith. But the way i like to understand it, i imagine him feeling absolutely disoriented. Thinking of the last several years of life following Christ and learning about his mission to create a different world. It had all come to an abrupt and painfull ending. He's probably asking a million questions in his head; Was it all true? What do I do now? Where do I go? What's my role? Why arent you here God?!
But in the midst of his work on the fishing boat, as he's tormenting himself with questions, a man calls from the shore.
"Hey!, have you caught anything yet today!". Peter replies "no, nothing" already feeling depressed enough. Then the man yells back "try the other side of the boat!". With some dispute and some hesitance im sure, the desciples try the other side, and sure enough, the nets are almost busting from the weight of the fish.
In an instant, I bet it clicks in Peters head...'Its Jesus!'. Without a second to even think about it, he drops the net and jumps off the boat into the water. I picture him half crying, and half choking on water trying to swim frantickly towards the shore. His best friend and his savior is in sight. He's so out of breath running up the beach soaking wet, but with no hesitation he falls into Jesus' arms.I know Jesus returns the hug with full force. Such a passionate moment!! I can almost see it being like an Italian father and son hugging each other after a long separation. Italian's just know how to show love. They hug and kiss with so much intensity and strength. Jesus must have had the biggest grin on his face.
He showed up just when Peter needed him the most, like a good friend does.
What I love most about this story, is how the Bible says, they all sat around the fire that night. I just picture them all laughing together and eating the fish they caught, just enjoying each others presence. So cool!
Not to mention the absolute assurance of Jesus' being who he said he was.

I Hope I can imagine every story like that, it makes the Bible that much more passionate. But who am I kidding really, I dont have the time or the motivation to read the Bible like that. Maybe one day?
-D

Time to focus my energy on the people who do love me rather than those who dont. Give me strength.


Just a cool picture i found. The eye of God.

Myself

Im trying my best to find purpose in myself and in the things i do, but theres nothing.
I believe everything is a choice; how i feel, who I love, what i do, where i go... etc.
But why do I always make such poor choices? even worse, why dont i choose to feel how i want to feel?
Innevitably, I end up feeling suck and hurt or being unhappy with myself.
It's time for a change.
This weekend was such a great oppertunity to laugh and enjoy friends, but by the end, i allowed myself to feel dis-satisfied.
I want to remember this summer as the summer I became something new.
Im tired of waiting for something to happen.


For 750$ /mo, ill be gone by the end of may!
-D

It's amazing how one night can make someone realize what it is, or who it is they do and dont want.
years of knowing something, can come down to a moments decision.

1 Corinthians 13

Ive had so many conversations in the last couple weeks about my personal beliefs, and it's so interesting to hear about people's personal experience and ideas about christianity. I find its all negative. It almost makes me want to completely separate myself from the religion itself andf just call myself a follower of Christ.
One particular area however, i have found to be common ground in each conversation, is the believe that love conquers. Which made me think of 1 corinthians. Its such a beautiful verse.

Love

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

Disappointment

dis ap point ment
noun
The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of ones hopes or excpectations.

Could I have found a better description for my life right now. Or my life to come.
Thank God im too busy to care.