Something about family brings out the absolute raw 'you' in yourself. Maybe it's because they know me so well that even if I tried acting like someone Im not, they would know it and call me on it. Or maybe it's because I love and respect them so much that I couldn't possibly be anything but myself around them.
The point is, the last couple months have been nothing but partying and ignorance, even though i have made some incredible friends. But now that Ive seen a glimpse of who I truly am, i need a break, just to gather myself .
The last few nights I've stayed in. Not necessarily because I need some reflection time, but mostly because I need to be more productive with my school work. And so I have.
It was great spending time with mark and katie over the weekend. Im beyond excited for the wedding, and so happy to be apart of it. But at the same time, its interesting to see how far apart we are in our lives. I can appreciate and respect their love, but also be aware that I am nowhere near a point where I can see myself committing to someone forever.
Interestingly enough, i rented a DVD series the other night called Civil War. It's a documentary of actual stories told by soldiers during the american civil war. Someone recommended it to me, and to be honest it's a little too patriotic for my taste. But the first season brought me so much emotion. The stories are so vivid and real.
At the end of the first episode a letter is read by one soldier to his lover/wife/girlfriend and it might just be the most beautiful thing i've ever read...
July 14,1861 Camp Clark, Washington DC
Dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. And lest I should not be able to write you again I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more.
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this government, and to pay that debt.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence can break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly with all those chains to the battlefield. The memory of all the blissful moments I have enjoyed with you come crowding over me, and I feel most deeply grateful to God and you, that I have enjoyed them for so long. And how hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes and future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and see our boys grown up to honorable manhood around us.
If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I loved you, nor that when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name...
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless, how foolish I have sometimes been!...
But, 0 Sarah, if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they love, I shall always be with you, in the brightest day and in the darkest night... always, always. And when the soft breeze fans your cheek, it shall be my breath, or the cool air your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again...
That, is love my friend!
And I will wait as long as it takes to experience something so selfless and beautiful.
Anways, back to the H-work
Till next time
-D
