I saw sparks

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im feeling jealous and sick. I need to stop putting myself in places where i feel this way. So much pain right now, but nowhere to express it.

Oma

Went to the farmers market with oma today. I treated her to some fresh fruit, a shepherds pie and a desert crepe which we both shared. Something about family makes me feel comfortable and completely my self. We had a great chat over coffee afterwards. Its true that you can learn so much from the experience and wisdom of your grandparents. I asked her what she thinks about 'extreme christians'. People who live, breathe and thrive on the idea that God runs their life. I guess a good example would be a close friend of mine choosing to end our friendship based on the fact that i am not as intense about God as she is.
I agree with living for God and making him a life priority, but when it begins to cloud reality in the sence that all of life's decisions are prayed about and sought in scripture, and when God is often the only topic of conversation, then I think it begins to change what God really wants. I firmly believe God wants us to be real to ourselves and to the people around us. He wants us to show his nature through who we are.
I also think people are wired differently with God. Some people seek God in different ways and in different spaces. Its no reason to reject one another based on our differences. On the other hand, I could also be feeling somewhat convicted to be closer with God. Either way, i miss my friend.
Speaking of friends, i phoned another friend to to tell him what a great mentor and pal he is to me. It was and wasnt just a spur of the moment call. My sister came home from work in a bit of a fluster after ending a fight with her roomate. Apparently, her roomate said, word for word "if i dident know you, i would never know you were a christian". Now, for those of you reading this who are strong believers in anything. Its a hit to your entire exsis when someone completely insults and denies your beliefs. I really hurt for her and wanted to hear how she was feeling. Before i knew it I was in Social Work mode, asking the right questions and reasuring her where she needed it. By the end of the conversation i was learning so much about myself and was able to help my sister re-gain some confidence in herself.
Something Lindsay said that really stood out to me was that God intentionally puts people in your life who will challenge you and make you question your faith. In the same respect, He also places people in your life that encourage and inspire you. Colin is one of those people who inspire me. Thats why i phoned him and told him what he meant to me.
Kyle, a friend whom I have worked with all summer, popped into my mind in mid conversation as one of the people who God challenges me with. The more time i spend with him, the more i see the bad side of myself. Crude jokes, gossip, slandering are just a few of things he brings out in me. Im glad to recognise that though, because its going to help me learn to be true to who i am around anyone and everyone.
Werd, i thought i had nothing to write, but apparently i did. Peace out.


P.S.-I bought some new cologne today, it smells fab tabulous. I cant wait to style it.

Tears for queers

Today was an angry day for the most part. I felt distracted by my thoughts even when i wasnt thinking about anything at all (that makes sence to me). After a long day of working through typical Calgary wheather and being upset, I was finally able to go home. Home sweet home. Which soon turned out to be only a 5 minuite visit before I met up with PJ to discuss my new job in the fall.
I feel comfortable with Jeremy, but i get the feeling he doesent feel that way around me. He's a fun guy and i would love to work with him, but i dont know if im cut out for the position. I always have these battles with myself where i feel like there is someone more deserving of my oppertunities. I dont know if I lack confidence, or if i really should leave the position for someone better fitted. The chat was a good one in any case. Ive got some thinking to do about this job.
After the get together i looked at my watch and it was only 6:45, i still had time to go see my Mom's soccer game. She was so happy to see me sitting up in the stands. The game was fun to watch and i was overly proud of her. I love her so much, what an amazing woman.
On a symilar note, Dad leaves saturday for Africa. Im jealous but also happy for him. and proud of course. Were going for beers thursday night just to catch up. Im looking forward to it.
Last but not least, i hit the gym after the soccer game. Ran into a cute girl, had a good 3 k run and hit the bench after some serious sit ups. Feeling good and healthy.
Going out on the deck now to read.
-D
Listened to Radiohead non stop today (which is odd because i was angry all day and Radiohead gives me nothing but joy....and maybe a couple tears)

Mannequin

I was searching through old school stuff tonight, just sorting through what i dont need and what i may want to hold on to. I came across my book of poems from an english 33 creative writing class I took first semester this past year.
To be honest, I was neither impressed or depressed by any of the poems I read through from my final assignment, but i was able to read one that spoke to me in that moment.

I am the antihero, 'prufrock' standing
These glass mirrors separate us from what could be, and what may be
Always one step behind
Always blind leading blind
Though the days are still cluttered
Ill remind him again
This horrible trend means your losing a friend

Its short, but it got out what i needed to get out. I love the subtleness of poetry. You can share as much as you want to your self while. at the same time only allowing the reader to understand a fraction.
I think i may start writing again.

Went to see Scanner Darkly tonight with some friends. It was a good watch, i definitely recommend it.
The weeks are becoming harder to endure. work is monotonous and my head wanders far too much, but at the same time, i worry for what the fall brings. I feel a hermit phase coming on.
-D

I decided to escape the social pressures of New Hope today, and instead i went to the lantern church. What a pleasant change of scenery it was too. The message was about understanding God's grace. I loved it and i couldent have come away any more satisfied. What i realised through out the service is that ive been putting too much pressure on the people around me. I need to understand the difference between what people are capable of doing throught God and what God is capable of doing. I've expected the people around me to be forgiving of me and to show grace. I assume that they have unconditional patience and love but the fact of the matter is, only God can offer that. It hurts to know that, and to experience the rejection but it is so unbelievably comforting to know that God will never reject me for the mistakes i have made and will make.
What a week it has been.
I have had some good times. -Went to Banff thursday after a good work out
-Friday ,had a long work day on the roof (most of which i was apparently being a "storm cloud") but after went to the Stampeders game (lost 47:20) and then consoled a close friend who just split from a 3 year relationship. A late night to say the least
-Saturday went to Sylvan lake. I was dragged out there but glad i went. Saturday night went to a party and was able to see some old time friends
-Today i may take Abu to Riley park.
-Tomorow is another day
Still lovin the new book.

I was planning to blog tonight about my fabulous evening alone in Banff. I wanted to try and explain the emotion I felt playing guitar on tunnel mountian with the sun setting in front of me , and the giddy feeling I always get walking into Welch's candy shop, or the satisfying luxury that is Fondu. But plans change.
I walked into my back door after a soothing drive back listening to Radiohead at 12 midnight to recieve a call on my cell phone (which i left at home during my short trip). It was a friend, with an akward tone in her voice asking proding questions. Questions that challenged my integrity and made me look foolish.
My time in Banff was meant for me and God, and it was. I felt more like i had it all together tonight than i have in a long time. But then this call? why cant i escape this sick feeling in my stomach? When am i finally going to be able to love who i am?
I cried last night like a child. More than i think ive cried in my entire life. For the first time, i understand how people feel when they want nothing else but the silence of death.
Fuck this life. Fuck this sin filled society with all its temptations. I want out so badly it hurts.

Ive got that all too familiar feeling in my chest. Its the one that fills me with angst and worry. Worry for what though?
Everything. I let my mind wander too often to places it doesent need to be. I allow myself to become trapped in fearfull places where i only come up with the worst possible scenarios. In this state its common for me to do what it takes to get over these feelings whether that be sleep, throwing up, partying so hard i forget what it is i worried about to begin with, or just plain ignorance. However, this time i decided to have a look at the good book. Im comforted by what God says about worrying, and putting trust in God. But what verse i really came away thinking about, was 1 corinthians 10:13. It said "Remember that the temptations in your life are no different from what others experience". I found that comforting.
Thanks G man!

Curl up with a good one

Dont you love finding that perfect book that just hits the spot. One that cant be put down until your eyes fall out (God forbid).
Im reading a fabulous book that just gives me the shivers. I laugh out loud and cry out loud with every new chapter. Its really hit the spot. Summer books are always something to look forward to. Might i suggest this one;

Manatee, the defenition of obesity. At least for my sister it is. She refered to herself as a manatee the other night and i couldent stop laughing without even knowing what it was. After later research i have discovered how adorable and halarious these (not so) little guys are. A manatee frequenty eats twice its body weight worth of ffood in a single day. their fins are of little use to them because of their size and mass. they simply float in the ocean and eat. They are referd to as sea cows.
fuckin chub chubs.

Migraine

This 7 day migraine is really getting me down. I feel so unproductive sitting at home watching movies, ordering take out.
I definitely dont miss work, but i do miss being healthy. I guarantee i have a tumor. Im going to name her Uma, the tuma. She tortures me day and night. Im trying to watch spinal tap right now(ironically enough) and she wont let me be.
Wish me luck world. Uma must die.
On another note, my brother and me went shopping the other day for a ring. He apparently plans to ask Amanda to marry him soon. Its wierd to see how excited and happy everyone is for him and his new life, but when i start to think about it the tears start to form. Concequently, i dont think about it at all now. But its hard for me. Im loosing my best friend. Ive already lost my best friend.He's happy though, so shouldent i be as well?
there you have it, just more evedince of how selfish i am. Wow, i really do amaze myself.
I miss Tee. I always miss tee.
Yeah
-D
This little guy has an uma of his own to deal with. AFLAK!

First Blog

Well,
Its the first day on my blog spot space. Its exciting because i have no preconcieved notions about any of this. How i should write, what i should write, who's going to read it. Im just writing because i dont do it enough (at least when it comes to writing about my thoughts and feelings). In fact, i dont do it at all. I suppose i fit the perfect description of a typical guy. I tend to not speak or show my emotions as much as women do.
Its funny because this came to my attention today, long before i had even considered starting a blog page. I was in a heated discussion with a friend (girl) and i found myself silent from expressing any emotion. I was completely quiet but my mind was racing. It was sooo frustrating to feel so full of ideas and feeling but unable to express them.
I wish i had a vagina and I could have burst out crying. Wierd statement?... thats what i thought too.
Welp. goodnight world. A big day of grass cutting awaits me tomorow.
I think i might call my grandma tomorow. Shes a fine lady.
-Dillon