I feel so angry I could fucking scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes it's as simple as wishing I had someone to hold.
But it can't just be anyone.
People work so hard to learn about each other to the point that they know exactly how they need to be held.
How can you let go of that?

Lately life has been a series of up's and down's. I cant stay level.
I always seem to be looking forward to a better future when i will eventually have things figured out. But that future inevitably becomes more confusing than I initially was. The older I am, the more perceptive and open minded I like to think I become.
But I also feel like I end up loosing faith in myself and in the world around me. It's a dissapointing feeling, and a depressing thought to say the least.
Most of these 'Flog's' tend to become over emotional and maybe a little over the top. And that may be due to the fact that I am often over emotional, and over the top with the way I think. But I really feel like im at a pivotal point in my life, like im breaking through something, into a better me.
-D

Spending some time with Behn was much needed, and perhaps a chance for me to hear God speak to me a little bit.
It's really become apparent that my recent faith 'identity crisis' is due to the fact that I dont really know what I believe and why.
I really need to look at some of my core beliefs and understand why I believe them, or if I believe them at all.
Behn has proved once again to challenge me in my faith, but also help me realise in himself what I dont want in myself.
Blind faith is so easy to fall into.
It's time to analyze myself and what motivates me in my 'faith journey'.
One thing is for sure, I cant just live a life based on an intellecual knowledge and theory of God, but i also can't live life based on a spiritual and emotional experience of God. I need the two of them together.

Almost 3 am and once again, I can't sleep.
The space in this room has turned on me.

Paradox

Im really going to miss it.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/parisjetaime/trailer/

Looks amazing, and beautiful.

.

Bought a couple of new books today from Fair's Fair, after eating lunch at my favorite fish n chips joint. It was a much needed day off and a good time to think.
Im stoked for the new reads. Im really excited about reading more autobiographies after finishing that autobiography of Sinatra, sp i bought the autobiography of Anthony Kiedis. Should be good, ive heard a lot about it.
I was also in the mood for a good romance, which seems to be a summertime trend, so I bought The English Patient. Im sure its going to be a tear jerker (understatement) but guaranteed it will hit the spot.
The books should be enough of an excuse to stay home.
West side music was great tonight. The speaker not so much. I think I may finally be able to talk and pray comfortably now in front of the church. Maybe because i mean it now more than i used to.
Not so stoked for the camping trip this weekend, i really just want to stay home.
Im looking forward to wine and cheese w/ Tommy tommorow however.
Loits.
-D

Collide

A heart breaking makes a sound I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud


So courageous until now. Im fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes, a beautiful collision.
Its happening now.
There seems no end to where You begin and there I am now
You and I collide

Visualize

Why is it that when I read a great story or book, I'm so drawn into the reading just by creating my own perception of the characters and setting?
I just finished reading the autobiography of Frank Sinatra, and some of the stories in the book created such an amazing image in my head that really drew me into the whole emotion of it.
But why cant I do that with the Bible? I often read scripture with a different mind set though. I dont let myself imagine the scenery and history of the the story and its characters. Instead, i read with a blank mind.
Thinking at work today (as i always tend to do) I tried to replay a Bible story to myself in the way that I do with a good book. I was reminded of the story of Jesus, when he approached Peter and some of the desciples fishing, weeks after he was crucified. The scripture, in its own way, describes Peter as feeling somewhat lost and challenged in his faith. But the way i like to understand it, i imagine him feeling absolutely disoriented. Thinking of the last several years of life following Christ and learning about his mission to create a different world. It had all come to an abrupt and painfull ending. He's probably asking a million questions in his head; Was it all true? What do I do now? Where do I go? What's my role? Why arent you here God?!
But in the midst of his work on the fishing boat, as he's tormenting himself with questions, a man calls from the shore.
"Hey!, have you caught anything yet today!". Peter replies "no, nothing" already feeling depressed enough. Then the man yells back "try the other side of the boat!". With some dispute and some hesitance im sure, the desciples try the other side, and sure enough, the nets are almost busting from the weight of the fish.
In an instant, I bet it clicks in Peters head...'Its Jesus!'. Without a second to even think about it, he drops the net and jumps off the boat into the water. I picture him half crying, and half choking on water trying to swim frantickly towards the shore. His best friend and his savior is in sight. He's so out of breath running up the beach soaking wet, but with no hesitation he falls into Jesus' arms.I know Jesus returns the hug with full force. Such a passionate moment!! I can almost see it being like an Italian father and son hugging each other after a long separation. Italian's just know how to show love. They hug and kiss with so much intensity and strength. Jesus must have had the biggest grin on his face.
He showed up just when Peter needed him the most, like a good friend does.
What I love most about this story, is how the Bible says, they all sat around the fire that night. I just picture them all laughing together and eating the fish they caught, just enjoying each others presence. So cool!
Not to mention the absolute assurance of Jesus' being who he said he was.

I Hope I can imagine every story like that, it makes the Bible that much more passionate. But who am I kidding really, I dont have the time or the motivation to read the Bible like that. Maybe one day?
-D